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The agony that I not satisfied with the turbine in my mind. He also wants my body.

There is no body and soul. And there is the reality.

the world is there, and continues to turn. Everything revolves. Every turn. But at the same time, I still like dead fish gallggianti polluted lagoon.

I look at them undeterred. In some moments are totally annihilated. A few minutes later, I caught a bad of life that makes me want to call me at home to be picked up at school. My soul is not breathing, and fell to the ground and crawl away like a worm from this site where my body should be. What am I doing here? I do not belong here.

But I'm straight and composed, I take notes while I ignore my inner cry.

My days are presses that squeeze me. The bla-bla fired into the air with no direction, the laughter from his horse, human selfishness, the narrow-mindedness, a classmate during class that you squeeze the fat life looking for the ribs, the nature that the I passed grins, competition, expectations and claims of the past, the tears in my eyes and knocking them to the background if I did not quit. All of this is squeezing me. In every sense.

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Yesterday my image was compared by one person to the moon. I was moved, but I tried in every way to hold back the tears because no one had ever talked that way. I thought to be invisible, but apparently for some are not.
... despite the blandishments received today I found myself kneeling in front of the toilet, singing "Wonderwall" by Oasis at my reflection ... on which I inevitably threw up.
qusto A point I do not know what is happening or what I should do to drive this monster. Warn who, day after day, you know merging with my soul. The obsession of the bones, the hate towards the food, the poisonous words have become part of me.

The classmates who seemed wanted to be my friend, have lunch together today and went to the movies. Although until a few days ago I had always been with them, I was not invited. I can easily guess the reason ... had planned the menu for a week. I do not care much to be with these people, because even as a result of my voluntary isolation, one of them in particular has started to behave very childish (eg, during the time of drawing, did everything that I felt they were going to the movies).
Frankly, I prefer the company of Dostoevsky.

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Young Deaf

This evening we attended a roundtable on The lives of young deaf and after compulsory schooling, what? Jordi Perelló to CREDA Sabadell center, where Ada and servers we go to speech therapy on Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons. The track is gorgeous and occasionally lectures and conferences are held to train parents and encourage them to relate to each other.
The auditorium was full to overflowing and had to add chairs. Because we have no grandfather who can make close to nursery, we went to the roundtable with the Ada trusting that sleep, but this has not happened ... While we hoped that everything began, has been engaged to take him to the pacifier and then another boy pulled the sleeve of a lady who had sat beside her. When the director has begun to introduce the participants began to call mom-mom-mom with all the force of his lungs and a charitable soul has become the center position, but after a few minutes had to resign because Ada claimed parents crying, so Alberto have been out and missed all the speeches.
The table had three girls and three boys with varying degrees of deafness and aged between 17 and 23 years. One, born premature, had been implanted 11 years old and now studying Engineering at university. Another combines work and Journalism degree (having already completed the Humanities), and had begun a third year teacher. A quarter of 23 years, is married and works in a hairdresser. The other two, younger, do school. All six expressed correctly, but I was particularly shocked because of Journalism student speaker could work without anyone notes anything unusual in his speech. And they put the two headphones and a half years!
Their testimonies have been extremely positive, and I have drawn the following conclusions:

• is important that parents work at home with the child and do not ever lose hope and confidence in their abilities .
  
• the extent that parents and children naturally accept the hearing, their integration into society will be better. If we isolate ourselves, others we isolate. The relationship with
• / speech and language therapist should be very close, because who better knows the child's behavior and progress in school.
• must vocalize Although the words and repeat as many times as is necessary for our son understands the fine. It is also important to put his height to better understand the message.
  
• reading contributes to language acquisition, we encourage it! The deaf
• develop skills (eg observation) to help them better understand others and understand their moods.
• The deaf can interact with the listeners have no problems making friends with ease depends mainly on their character.
  
• A deaf can reach as far as is proposed, although most teachers have to ask or search strategies to solve everyday problems. It is important to inform others of the limitations involved in the hearing and ask for help without being ashamed of it.

The boy and the girl who wore cochlear implants have agreed on the fact that the listening experience is clearer than with headphones and receive voice in a much clearer (less noise is amplified). Listen

all these guys has been an injection of energy and optimism. The desire to learn the plans, the special relationship that they had s'entreveia with parents ... They were young common, at least not as they appear in the television series. I have sent a lot of confidence en el futur, no en el de nomes until the Ada en el de la Societät en general! :) -----------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------

This afternoon we attended a meeting on "the lives of young deaf and after school, what?" CREDA at Jordi Perelló of Sabadell, the center where Ada and I go to speech therapy every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. The achievement is magnificent and occasionally organize meetings and conferences for training parents and animate them to relate to each other.
The hall was packed and there was the need to add chairs. As we have no grandfather who lives next to leave as Ada, we went with the hope that the lioness to fall asleep, but it did not happen ... While we were waiting it began, Ada hath been dedicated to steal another child's pacifier, and after pulling the shirt of a lady who was sitting at his side. When the Director has proposed the participants began to scream mama-mama-mama with all the force of his lungs and charitable soul of the center took care of her, but after a few minutes had to give up the task as Ada cried and we tried, so Albert had to go out and have lost all the activities of the different participants.
Among the participants who recounted their experiences there were three girls and three boys with varying degrees deafness and aged between 17 and 23 years. One of them was born prematurely, had put a cochlear implant at 11 years and is now studying industrial engineering at the university. Another combination of work and the School of Journalism (having already finished Humanities), and a third began teaching this year. A fourth, aged 23, married and worked in a hairdresser. The other two, most guys do in high school. All six are fluent, but I was especially impressed with the journalism student because it could work as a presenter and nobody noted nothing unusual in his talk. And put hearing aids in two and a half!
Their testimonies were very positive, and I drew the following conclusions:

• is important that parents work at home with their children and not lose hope and faith in their abilities.
• The more parents and children naturally accept deafness especially their integration into society will be good. If we isolate ourselves, others will isolate. The relationship with the
• / speech therapist must be very strong because it is the person who knows the child's behavior and progress in school.
• We vocalize well and repeat the words as many times as it is needed to understand why our children well. is also important to get the same height for a better understanding of the message.
• reading contributes to the acquisition of language, we must promote it!
• Deaf people develop skills (such as observation skills) that help them better understand and to understand the moods of people.
• Deaf people can relate to people who are not deaf without problems, the ease with which make friends primarily depends on the character.
• A deaf can go far, and no matter if it is to ask more questions to professors or to seek strategies to solve everyday problems. It is important to inform other restrictions involving deafness and ask for help without shame.

The boy and the girl who wore cochlear implants were in agreement that the listening experience is clearer than with the hearing and receiving the voice more clear (the background noise is amplified less).

Listening to these guys was a shot of energy and optimism. The desire to learn the plans, the relationship is so special that they perceived that their parents ... Boys were not common, at least not as those who are in the television show. They gave me great hope in the future, not only in Ada, but also society in general

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More Than It Seems

Is my Imagination running away or is

all this really happening to me?

Am ia prince in a far away land filled with fantasy?

Where is reality and what are the actions

That will define who i am?

I am holding on to the visions I've seen

of What I Could be...it's what i should be.

More than it seems these dreams inside

...blur reality's line...

If i could believe in dreams aside

i am capable more than it seems.

Passing trough the darkness into my own world

will i be more than when i left?

Never letting go of the lessons i learned

this will make a change...a change within me.

This time i won't run away

i found the strenght to face life's long days

... this time i will not run away ...

'Till there's nothing left for me, show me the way to These Dreams.

Every day I feel more of a dragon in an aviary.

The positive side of this situation is that, slowly 'm dropping weight. This leads me to be more efficient and more determined in all fields. It awakens in me the desire to save my dreams, more than once in recent times, I considered totally lost. I'm losing weight because, after eating, vomiting. I am aware of the consequences of this habit, but so brutally expelled from my body substance that nourishes me cheers.

Some people around me have changed, and consequently my coportamento against them is.

The current situation has given me the ability to detach further from the school in which I live. I'm not involved in anything, and that makes me feel good. I'm free, lightweight, with no restrictions.

There are always the same episodes on the agenda in which I offered to eat (in my class, unfortunately, not think of anything else), but I am firm in my decisions, and always refuse. I do not care if they are the only one who does not eat all, let alone their reaction.

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I feel like ink mixed with blood, spit on the paper during a glossy delirium.

weaving this cloth, that is my life, during the day, then undo it in the dark of night, not waiting for Odysseus I never knew, except in my dreams.
I am pleased and then I despise myself, I eat and then vomit, I want attention and when I will reject the offer. In any case it's always me I think. And I feel guilty about it; it's as if I did not feel worthy of my own attention.
not think I can still aim to inner peace, I have only two options: wallow in my pain and drown in, or exploit it. The best works of art are such thanks to the suffering endured by the artist.
Tears are a good fertilizer for the plants most sublime, the rarest, most mysterious.
But there are times when I would put myself in a corner, curl up and become smaller and smaller ... until it disappears completely. Without a trace.
I feel that the contrast is not inconsistent.
A phrase echoes and echoes in my mind : nothing is what it seems .
I'd be curious to see what's left of me after all this, I suppose: the wires that no one will ever know a time were a canvas.

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I do not know whether it is right to wait a while '. My thirsty nature of security, however, find definitions, decisions, conclusions. It is now that all those have bottomless laughter pierced the silence surrounding silenced my mind. The weight goes down, my pride salt, and no one can compete with it by now.
is not yet clear if I built this fortress to protect myself from the world of rock, glass, ice. One thing is certain: it appears threatening.
The mornings come unwanted and pushed me to make the usual daily rituals. Most can not conceive all this, what is actually happening is so far from my state of mind than just leaving home to go to school, I weigh. I feel wrong here, I'd really like to get away from it all, from these environments that do not like and which I do not like me.
people's expectations and the reality that I have created have chained my wings, and despite the thoughts go systematically to the memories of when I was free to fly, I continue to advance. "My head is bloody, but unbowed." In my mind there is only room for past and future, this ... treat it as a disagreeable person, not calculation, do not know. Sometimes, coming to hate him.

The problem is that I got lost inside.

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"We are all losers compared to our dreams"

... and it is mainly for this reason that today has led me to do something I never thought capable of doing.

There was a special event, the drop that did the camel's back. There is no need to write it because it's terribly obvious, but it's as if I had an amplifier of feelings, because of which every little negative thing ends in tragedy.

I closed the bathroom and, by anger, I started to scratch me from all sides in all directions. I kept pensre the fact that they are the only one who can save me from all this, but I no longer have the strength. It 's too late. But it's over. In the afternoon I was at school with some classmates for a course of plastic, three of them were smoking, the other two were in the bathroom. I was in class by herself and I nell'astuccio you use a razor blade to remove the ink from the paper. Within a few seconds my arm was full of cuts that have started to bleed. I was shaking.

way home, I held tight the art, as something that does not belong, something not mine. Held it, cradled it like I want to apologize to it, but the cuts continue (to be) no burning.

The ambition and the pride they took me to this. And I never forgive me.

magiato and I threw up. I took laxatives. I drank three liters of water. I got a face mask with yogurt. I disinfected the wounds. I repeated to be a failure so many times that, as me hell, now I do not cry anymore. The only good news today is that I lost another pound. But there is nothing that can make me feel good now. I feel abandoned, there is only a void that fills me and a great silence.

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[...]

Car alarm will not let you back to sleep ; ;
You're kept awake dreaming someone else's dream
Coffee is cold, but it'll get you through
Compromise there's nothing new to you
Let's see colours that have never been seen
Let's go to places no one else has been
You're in my mind all of the time
I know that's not enough
Well if the sky can crack
There must be someway back
To love and only love

                                                                      [...]

The car alarm will not let you fall asleep again
You're kept awake dreaming someone else
a dream Coffee is cold, but it'll pass
compromise, nothing new for you
Note colors that have never been seen
go to places no one has been

You are in my mind, continually
I know that is not enough
Well, if
sky can crack There must be some way back
To love and only love

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My being is limited, but is not defined. I feel the need to go, and go away ... but from what?

My father always says "when you bring a suitcase with her own problems"

not want to get away from myself, but I want to escape from a reality that oppresses me, forcing me to hide what they are.

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Well, there may not be big news, but I wanted to tell something ... Ada is just out for a week with gastroenteritis two days of high fever (whereas you can not get). Now he has resumed eating, we hope that soon may regain that lost a pound ...
not walk again because he has a nasty habit of getting up on the points, perhaps because he learned to stand up leaning on a table too high for her, now I want us thought of before
With glasses made a few stories and takes off only when she is angry or very bored. A few days ago I went to the bathroom and left her in the living room with the door closed because it was not with me (now my shadow ), she started up and struck my attention in the glass door with glasses
knows how to say "mama" "papa" and uses a lot of syllables to express his emotions, ultimately becoming a crybaby who complains about everything and makes us lose patience. I think it is because they feel helpless and want to walk (it was more or less the same when he could not crawl). He understands well the meaning of words "no", "Come," "we" and "petit suisse", which is a milky he likes very much.
is more and more curious, for example Saturday Alberto went with her to the streets and was going to untie the laces of a child who was sitting in the same bench
greets the world with a smile and then turns serious and says nothing
And to close, we heard that it is only a little girl who learns on his own ... We can not teach the concepts "inside" and "above", but felt that to go down alone in his car ride-on without getting hurt has to come close to puff and use it as support. Today, as he was sleeping, she went alone in the room e poi di sua sought arrampicarsi sulla Culla
---------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- --------

Well, there is not much news, but I wanted to explain something ... The Ada is recovering from gastroenteritis that lasted a week with two days of high fever (considering that she has not ever). Now back to food, we hope to recover soon he had lost half a kilo ... Not
walk because it has the bad habit to get standing on the tips, perhaps because he learned to stand up leaning on a table a bit too high for her, now I have before I realized
Glasses only removes them when angry or very bored. A few days ago I went to the bathroom and I left the room with the door closed (it has become my shadow ) to draw attention, stood up and banged the glass with glasses
know say "mama", "daddy" and uses a lot of syllables to express their emotions. Recently becoming a whiners who complain about everything and makes us lose patience. I think it does because I feel helpless and walk (he was more or less the same when he knew not crawl). We also understand the meaning of the words "no", "Come," "we" or "Petit Suisse". Each day has
more curious, for example Alberto Saturday led a walk in the square and wanted to untie the cords of a boy who was sitting at the same bank
greets everyone with a smile and then gets serious and says nothing more
And finally, we have assimilated it's just a girl who learns on his own ... Do not we teach the concepts "inside" and "on", but he alone understood that the correpassadissos down without getting hurt has come to poof and use it as support. Today, as I had sleep has gone into the room and wanted to climb alone in grasping the cot bars.

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Happy Valentine's gift of invisibility

is the day today:

- I wake up at 5:10, believe there is a slight earthquake

- I get up at 5:58, I breakfast (a kiwi fruit, 45 calories), I prepare myself, I go to school, in which circulating cards, various celebrations for a party purely commercial chocolates, exhibitionism, calories.

- After a quiet day I come home at 17:15, with 17:45 to go allotment by the psychologist. Within the waiting room and who is it? That woman slimy, which should be my mom says complacent (if we want get nervous) that the doctor wants to see us together. We go into surgery and she starts to play the victim.

Then the psychologist, who seems like a fairly intelligent person, made her exit.

- I came home from the kitchen and hear you cry, "I made whole wheat pasta with eggplant! Want some?" Answer saying, "Eat You ..." Then out I added "... and fat." Then the harpy chased me around the house weir things like "you are full of rage! Where are you going to finish if you keep it? But good, congratulations!" and between sentences and the other was a witch hysterical laughter.

Sunday morning I went to see my dad with some acquaintances, who had done no more than repeat what is beautiful. My reaction to all of those claims has been a definite concern, because I expected any minute someone would tell me what I am good (that phrase always mean one thing: you're better than oily). After this visit have been to a restaurant and there happened because my father asked the waiter if you can get a table near the wall, or in a corner, the fact is that they are all busy, , and only one remained at the center of the room.
I felt all the eyes of the onlookers on me, having to eat in front of all those people I was terrified. I burst into tears. Fortunately within a few minutes, the crisis has passed, but this is heavy, very heavy bear. Everyday life has become a nightmare where I wake up every morning.

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My dad was talking yesterday with the teachers ... all said they are very worried. There I am always stunned when these things happen, because I do not expect someone known my existence, let alone my behavior that apparently are decidedly abnormal. Unfortunately those who do not want to be looked at is watched, those who do not want attention it receives in spades, who wants to be forgotten is remembered. In some ways I feel persecuted. My father told me that during the Class Council have spoken at length about my problems; I feared that such a thing happen, and I was prepared, but I never imagined that the maths teacher and my dad to exchange e-mail in order to stay in touch in case something happens ... but what afraid that happen? Can I deduct it, but I can not imagine all the fuss, all this fear.
have a case so serious? Do 'so much to see that a deranged? Why all this attention?

Maybe at the end of everything, I realize that this beast is just a little girl who wanted to ask me something, but I could not hear it. Then his tears due to my inability to play has resulted in my silence, my fasting, my throw away the food, my hidden tears, all the cold showers to desensitize the body, reaching not hear anything, all the scratches and bites on her hands every time I go to the restaurant or pizzeria . The beast that wants me to perfect in everything, they want to see my body looks thin and lost people before it, is nothing but a girl eager for affection, but completely incapable of admitting it.
The beast I am.

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These days it's sunny and the temperature rises. In the morning dawn clear and bright. They begin to feel the first birds to sing. In about a month will be reborn and all spring, but I wonder if they are ever born. Despite the clear skies, despite the evident progress of my favorite season after the winter, despite a pound is gone from my body, I do not feel anything. It 'a bit' that I no longer listen to music with words, why do not you find my state of mind in any sentence. I float between a night and another, between people and between all these objects that seem not to exist, it seems that they do not mean anything. It seems all that means nothing.

While walking, I feel my body swaying as if he were hanged from a tree that I planted and I have taken care all this time.

provcato The only thing that has a little interference in this life was to plant the following statement:

Love is love for some things, particularly those which you feel missed.

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are almost completely estranged from reality, my days are gusts of wind. I do not understand people, and people do not understand me, the logic escapes of one another. I searched several times in any reflective surface these days, to verify that you had not become invisible. By class, no one notices me and every concrete thing on my arrival remains unchanged: they are dead? No, there is a window on my face.

day of my classmates made fun of a smaller girl who is put together with a guy in my class. Criticized his way of being, very mild, and the fact that speaks rarely and then have several solutions that are lean. Ultimately, they defined a perfectly normal person and empty, devoid of personality. All this no longer surprises me anymore, but I was wondering if these are the inevitable people with whom I live, people who judge a girl just because she is shy and spoke little, accusing her of not having character. I believe that if someone decides to shut up because you're doing everyone a favor, and frankly, I prefer someone who mind their own business, rather than a hen who grins all the time making public his tragedies of the series' My mother did not makes me go out Saturday night. 'Then of course there are those who have nothing to say but difficult to give up ... they talk. Then, at least in my class, shall be heard Only if you say bullshit.

All this makes me angry, that does not manifest itself in various scenes, but simply in the rejection of food. Probably now I do it automatically, with certain individuals because you can not express in words. In my case, words are not enough, even if I tried to explain why no one would understand (so no one asks me anything, you are already tired). So my obvious discomfort slimming increasingly, increasingly, more and more.
if it's only the social environment in which they are inserted to cause these sayings, maybe I put too abbanstanza well.