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I hate parties

Last night I finally went to that party. Make wallpaper and watch people enjoying themselves is one thing that I find it quite well.
I feel like a clover: they are used to 'spice', but if I am alone I have eaten a sour taste. Inedible and indigestible. Those flavors that make you twist your face, you sit on your tongue and do not forget.
By then the food, I made a mess, even if my own free will:
- 3 sushi (60 calories) +
- A spoonful of rice in Cantonese (70 calories) +
- A forkful of Chinese noodles (70 calories) +
- A spring roll (135 calories) +
- Macedonia (100 calories) +
- A scoop of ice cream mozzarella cheese (110 calories)
545 calories that I could not throw up, and although I could not have done. But now I feel very bad. It 's a choice I made since last year, the birthday of the girl, I was able to turn dinner into a disaster. In part it was the fault of the people who paid too much attention to me, the other is known that certain situations-maybe-I should learn to avoid them being realistic, instead of always love her face at all costs. I am ashamed of what I just wrote.

Yesterday, the psychiatrist asked me the same question, "How much do you weigh?" He added that I was not obligated to disclose. Then I asked him if I could only tell him what I weighed last year and how much I weigh, respectively, 39 and 37. But he was curious, and without any pressure to me again expressed his interest in my current weight, I asked him what he thinks I weigh ... replied "a little over 40". I have neither confirmed nor denied.
Then I'll talk about on the phone with my dad, who said that last year was "a fine example of world hunger. "What an exaggeration. I only know that much like the body I had in those good times ... and although I'm afraid of getting it back, I shall recover. Nothing can stop what they are. Cogito ergo sum -I think therefore I am.
In addition to lunch I spout aphorisms as a nutritionist for my "mother" like "love is more sincere to the food," "Failure to love the mozzarella, loves food "and the worst " We are what we eat. "

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This morning I had breakfast with a yogurt (50 calories), and a cup of tea and milk (10 calories). I had lunch at school and my first day of dieting has failed miserably in a ham sandwich with as many as 300 calories. So far have 360 \u200b\u200bcalories. No . No . No .

Back home, prey to nervous , I slingshots on some products that my "mother" had brought home and I just threw them in the toilet, because I was bothered. When he came home, opened the fridge and she noticed food missing, so came looking for me, I deduced from his step now that he had a hysterical, as usual. He told me that I'm spoiled, I'm crazy and possessed. He said he was sick of me and who does not want help, do not matter anymore that I go by the psychologist and psychiatrist. All this, I can accept it quietly, but then started to bring up my dad, saying that "I respect him because I throw his money in the process," his citation. I speak with my father every day, and he knows I have never yelled at because he understood that I am sick ... felt like eating if I see something I throw it down the toilet, even if inside I suffer for it. It 's a compulsive attitude, and behavior are difficult to suppress, to deal with, to understand and especially to live with. But this woman does not understand it. So I pull out the snake in there me and say in a very frank it like it is: you crack envy because my father wants me very well, we talk every day for hours, he treats me like I was a princess-though I do not deserve at all-and My mother tried to have peaceful relations but that does not go beyond the formality, and she founded and still in love with him, escaped, and has done well, not stand it anymore. Now it's up to me to live with ... my dad says he feels guilty about it, but then I think I can deal with.

I wonder if because of this fight tomorrow night I'll be at home on punishment rather than going to the party. Maybe deep down I hope it happens. I prefer to stay in my room, reading a book. ribatterò No, I do not rebel. I will just use the only method of communication I have with my "mom" slam the door in the face.

I just do not eat. It is fun to see the food, see the gain of My father, with the water being sucked into that hole ... but it's stronger than me. I'm also taking a drug for this, but apparently not enough.

I'm sorry dad.

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Sliding Doors are the worst thing that ever happened to me.

Disgusting. Repulsive. Repugnant. The monster under the bed, the shadow that was around in my room when I was little, I was.

" Beauty and the Beast" has always been one of my favorite cartoons. I feel myself hit by a spell, just as the Beast. I feel like the monster who must be killed because he looked terrible. But the world does not want me dead, because he knows that is what I want. Whipping torture me with my own flesh, taking his head and soaking in my own vomit. Reprehensible, right? is how you feel my soul. Plug, tied, boiled in my tears and fed to Nothing.

This morning I was on sale, I bought 'Focus' and 'Shilouette'; in the latter I found a diet that I had never heard of, and I would try to follow. It's called 'Dukan diet' and is divided into four phases: the impact phase, the alternative step, the consolidation phase and the phase of Matenano. From tomorrow, beginning with the impact phase, which lasted five days, during which I can eat: white meat, red meat, fish, seafood water, skim milk, cottage cheese, cottage cheese, water, tea. Or coffee, or fruit or vegetables. The second phase will introduce the vegetables, but only on alternate days. Since fiber is a poor there is a risk of deficiencies, but for me it is not a problem. My "mom" is a nutritionist (which is quite funny) and my house is full of vitamin supplements of any kind. I'm home alone for luck, then the program of the night: gym, shower, 'Focus'.

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- ginseng coffee, yogurt (150 calories) +
- "You're beautiful like a flower" ... I felt offended, and with a furious look, I turned off. I feel cheated. With all this fat that covers my whole? How can you compare me to a flower? A flower is a slender, elegant, light. I am fat, and bulky. +
- Verification of art history +
- Lunch: rice (50 calories) with pumpkin, so pumpkin (100 calories per round, why do not you know my "mother" what we have put in), sweet ( 262 calories) +
- "The Idiot" by Dostoevsky +
- An apple (90 calories) +

- Psychologist +
- Dinner: Peas (100 calories, probably even longer ...) +
- Paranoia mentally for the trip tomorrow +
- Questions on different ' existence
Total: 752 calories, distress, fat, incompleteness, unwanted reflections in the windows that pop up at inopportune moments, weakness, claims, losses in pressure, nausea, desire to escape.

Even today I could begin to implement the my diet consists of books and celery, music and jasmine tea, and water film, and study, and tearful nights. Tomorrow the weather will be rainy beautifully, the only thing I'm heartened because I love the weather.

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decorate my ugliness, water my pain, sharpen my thorns.

I see fat from toenails to the tips of the hair. I tried to be perfect, and perhaps there was nothing worse I could do. Reaching the unreachable. Infuse does not seem so bad ... I do not think it is. I'm not everything I said, are not all what it seems. I chose to travel this road alone, thinking it was easy.
; "Nobody Said It Was Easy, No One Ever Said It Would Be So Hard."

And I started not to believe in anyone. I have not forgiven, because in truth can not forgive myself.

I was in a relapse of my pathetic periods of closure, in which are more quiet and introverted than usual ... too often nasty. After a departure from my dettatomi nature, although I have shown how difficult it is to my character (and that is not the case that no one comes close to me or diseases), the person who wanted to be-maybe- My friend, invited me to his birthday party . When he asked me, after almost a month since we talked, I was going to cry in front, at the first opportunity I fled to the bathroom and I cried tears of love, despair and liberation, pain. I'm confused. I always hated holidays ... more I started to make me paranoid about the food that will be there. And the long list is also added another concern: she and another of my classmates have decided to do a blog. I discovered that I do not want, do not want to feel inside gets closely. I'm afraid.

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Have i lost my mind yet? Restlessness

difficult to understand how I feel, if you have not watched the first this video.

I'm gonna wake up, yes and no

I'm gonna kiss some part of

I'm gonna keep this secret

I'm gonna close my body now

I guess i'll die another day

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Analize this...

Analize this...

Analize this...

I'm gonna break the cycle

I'm gonna shake up the system

I'm gonna destroy my ego

I'm gonna close my body now

I think i'll find another way

There's no much more to know

I guess i'll die another day

It's not my time to go

For every sin i'll have to pay

I’ve come to work, i’ve come to play
I think I’ll find another way
It’s not my time to go

I’m gonna avoid the cliche
I’m gonna suspend my senses
I’m gonna delay my pleasure
I’m gonna close my body now

My stillness is in contrast to the chaos inside me: I am a crazy woman.

scares me. I get scared.

Tramanto hands, his eyes fixed in reality.

In my imagination throws, pesto, destroy all food, anger ... I can not and will not be able to externalize ever. I have in me the feeling of a sneeze came perennial evil, something that makes me breathe, I literally compresses and sometimes I feel crazy. A look at the birds in the sky, the next minute I find the humor in my socks. I am full of guilt that destroy me, one for each gram consumed. The time to atone for these sins seem infinite, like a deserted road that never ends. But I can and I want to do it. The sloth, indolence, the temptation to give up more and do not belong to me. Even with this constant inner conflict, this dualism between body and soul, I want to follow through. I do not think anyone could change my mind, in fact, many people around me, unconsciously , inspire me to keep going.

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Typing

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The only place I am comfortable at this moment, is the bathroom of a train dirty and dark, with half the bulb burned out and his buzz that gives the place a strange stillness and eternal. A ferret enjoys playing with my insides, my lungs, my stomach, my heart-and my thoughts.
Today I was to call home and let me come to take, because the psychologist told me that if I feel the urge to commit suicide or harm from me I have to call someone immediately. And at school I'm alone, I have no one to talk about it. In the end I do not know where I've found the strength to keep from crying, the power to hold their heads high, make the verification of history, then the physics and accept an invitation to dinner at Japanese restaurant. I even ran the risk of going to McDonald. Riuscta are not eating just because I like sushi ... 7 pieces in all. I'm not worried because the East has so many fatty foods.
There were people with whom I had absolutely nothing to do, but I went there because I had asked a person who I consider quite interesting because I love Japanese food. I was outraged by the common reasoning of adolescents and I realized how naive I am, in a sense, without blemish. I felt inappropriate, too invade .... All these years I was locked in a bell jar and every time I try to stay out of the smog intoxicated meaningless words, gossip, vulgar and ugly attitudes. This is also the reality of most of the boys and girls my age, but not mine. Along the way back I felt guilty towards myself thinking, "but that people are going to waste time ?"... is positive that I ate sushi and at least now I have confirmation of what some individuals are hopelessly filthy. And person means a person filthy dirty in the depths of soul.

And nobody had the courage to ask why I became anorexic.

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dunk as the land between two rivers. Poisoned by antibodies of my soul. Tortured by a beast that bears my name. Insubstantial as smoke. The smoke, however, obscures the view, you can go through, but it is toxic.

I wonder how many times I will be next to reach the goal, but afraid to flee before it. My secret is keeping me alone with him, and I I want to be alone with me. I wrapped in paper soaked in ink and blood, I keep it under a bell jar, and every night I caress its polished surface reflecting the moon in the sky.

death, it must gudagnarsela living. Then I will have my eternal peace, my silence, my perfect silence.

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I never had a good relationship with numbers. Now my days are constantly influenced by figures. Every morning I get on the scaffold, and I wait for my punishment not be enough. That
red number is not just a number. He speaks to me, yells at me, I would, I am consoled, destroys me. 400 grams more burdens on my head, keeping it low all the time.

It 's weird.

There are some days when I see a really shine, and also thin enough. I am proud and narcissistic.

Then comes something to mend my wretched condition, then sink into the blackest despair. There is no point where the fat is not transhipment, there is no step that I can do without feeling bulky, There is no place where I do not feel inappropriate. I feel eyes on my body limp, I hear whispers, my mind paints faces of disapproval on the faces of others because the very strict judge who dwells in me and that I have created seiche is not enough.
all seem enormously fat, two minutes after I see them very thin.

I see all what I want to be and also what I'm afraid to be.

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Once a person insinuated that I am able to see only black butterflies.
He explained that there are also white butterflies said ... that one day I would have seen it myself.

Towards the end of last school year, in spring, the same person she was concerned by my behavior. Once he asked me what I had, and I answered: "No," trying to convince her to let go. She said:

"And if you commit suicide, and I could not do anything?"

wanted to be my friend, I think. But I did not have the strength to break down the walls. She did not have the determination to override. He surrendered in front of my attitudes reclusive and cold. I wanted to test it on other occasions, without ever making a real step towards her. I wanted to be her friend, but she did not understand. Like everyone else, was not able to go beyond appearances. In recent months he has to let go, even though I'm worse. E 'come to ignore me, make me feel invisible, the blame for my inability to open the door.

Lentamnte and in silence, I slipped away from his life. I left abandoned in my disease. If I had a hold, now you do not have her. I feel the cloth too heavily as he pulls away from Moletta that keeps me attached to the edge of reality.

not hate her, but I feel resentment towards him because I was treated like a doll too delicate to be able to play, and because she wants to have fun, I was left there to gather dust.

was the first to be convinced of my impassive, my false pride, my cold and now I have a reason to lose weight: I see that my pain and suffering that she, feeling guilty. They are disgusting, and I'm ashamed. But thanks to her and to his resignation, will reach the first goal I set for myself.

Anyway, my life goes on. If all this was bound to happen, there a reason. And I know I benefit from this sorrow, yet another.

At times I cry for screwing up, for rejecting one of the few people who wanted to approach me. I remember the rare times that made me smile. He had also made a commitment to find my perfect guy. She likes to make comics, and I was included as a secondary character in a story. I still have my caricature of his drawings hung in the room.

The next day I think it is cowardly, cowardly, childish. You have chosen the easy road, wanted to have friends to laugh with normal, joke, say menate, go to the movies, to speak ill of other people, talking about television, talk about food. He rejected serious discussions, a relationship based on common values. The awareness of the fact that he was staying with me aquisito made her suffer too much, obviously. In conclusion, I can say that probably had to go so, I do not care to be with her, because it was given to shoot menate as I could. I know that you, as unfounded, it is not. But the case does not seem to help anyone if they are not even able to help myself.

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Mens sana in corpore sano

A healthy mind in a healthy body.

[pre-recorded laughter]

Today I left the school at 10.00, at 11.00 because I had an appointment with a psychiatrist who works with my psychologist. I was prescribed Prozac. For some 'days do not take more laxatives, because I have the feeling of being able to throw up everything he ate, although it is always the fear that something will remain there and be absorbed by my body. All yesterday I was afraid of collapsing, but eventually I managed to resist until the evening.

Thursday I went to dinner at my grandmother. Was there and also my aunt who lives in Milan, and here is a couple of times a year.

When he saw me, he was going to cry. Meanwhile, I still do not understand. I ate everything I was offered, though in small quantities. Then, for the first time I threw up in people's houses. I asked to go to the bathroom and, as if it were the most natural thing on this earth, have rejected the whole dinner.

I felt guilty, and I'm sorry you did. But it was too much for me: I could never bear to keep me inside all that stuff.

I cried, but I could not.

"Keep the tears for later," I say.

Once alone, however, is only my silence. The vacuum that I created to make room for something else .

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"Even if you can not enter, not far from me, stretch my hand more and even when you can not see me. If you did not, forget me in life. Or would life to forget me. "

I consider the most selfish people suffering, because the accusations of not being able to see anything but their pain.
Damage of 'dumb' ones which is stretched a hand and reject it. They do not know that it is not as nice and easy to unleash the beast inside you, give free rein to the penis.
How despise what they do not understand. As they are afraid. How did they need to defend diversity.
sfogrami To me it means prostitution, loss of part of what they are.
means to share my agony, which are insanely loyal. Exposing, fear of disfigurement.
"But he has not done anything to get out of his situation," said one of my classmate, referring to the apathetic protagonist of a film, seen at the time of religion.
So, all these dear contemporary bigots, they should understand that: 1
Nothing is what it seems.
2 Sometimes some people become attached to their defects, because they are part of them, and there is gloating inside. So, I'm not interested in solving them.
3 A small minority is not so easy to enjoy.
4 Some are built a fortress and hide inside of it because they need to know who is willing to climb over its walls, just to reach the owner.

These are my choices and not regret it.
will be subtle, but I feel an uncontrollable desire to feel guilty about all those who, after having extended his hand, have pulled back just because I 'have not taken the opportunity'. Bear their cowardice making him die on my body, taking away the need, bending to my will so that everyone has every day under the eyes of the outcome of their childishness, their stupidity, their superficiality.
But above all, do all this for me, because I need it.

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"I am beside myself and I am worried because I do not go see" Floating in a silent scream

are no longer able psychologically to withstand even the trivial things, the frivolous, the daily events.
are destroyed and I take on the parts that are detached from me. In addition to these, I have a load on the shoulders of ambitions, expectations and demands.
walk unsteadily with the wind blowing strong. Echoes the phrase "you must learn to associate the reality you see with your mind," and today I closed the curtain in front. E 'fell for it.

A query did not go as I pleased.

37 cuts on his right arm.

I was the deluded that he thought would not be repeated.

I exist, but do not want to live.